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Swiftly Away

"We're not looking away; we're just looking forward for our future." he said while his fingers running through mine before he held it. It's perfect; the gap between my fingers complement well with his.

"So you're not mad?" I asked while tears running through my cheeks; shakily terrified of what next. 

"I'm not mad. I'm here for you remember; not matter what, I'll be here. Yes, might be I'll give you a silent treatment upon how you call me names, on how you scream like you're the victim every single time; and not to forget; always spinning things like it is my fault in the first place." as he smile looking me deeply through my eyes.

I know for a fact that he love to look at me every time he speaks; that shimmer in his eyes while staring at me when I talk it's like a Christmas to him. Yet, I am always the one who always made him to put down his ego, neglecting him while he keep on cheering for me, encourage me, motivate me, guide me till where I am now.

"Are you sure? I'm sorry for all this time that I degraded you less than a man would be; and if I'm being given a chance, I would remedy it to be bitter so you won't feel nor taste it anymore." as I rush forward to held him in my arms.

I woke up.

I look all over.

It was dark. Total dark. 

My heart pounded.

I grasp the first thing my hand felt; sheets.

I'm in my bed.

But it was real. It felt real. It looked real.

Suddenly it came to me; I attended his funeral hours ago.

And I look at the clock from my phone screen; 11:59 p.m .

12:00 a.m.

"We're not looking away; we're just looking forward for our future."

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Knowingly

Sometimes when you feel the spark is no more there, one need to know to stop fight for it. It is not a battle nor a quest to retrieve his attention; it's just....happened.

One mind will keep on telling that it has caused by time, distance or situations; but never once it even occur that it came within....yourself.

Even putting the best effort, the best attention, the best care, the best of the world there to offer; at a moment, at a juncture, you know that you have to let him....go.

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Crushed

There you are scrolling your feeds; looking at the picture of your friends happily with their significant other; in which most people called them as “B.A.E”; Before Anyone Else.

And your mind linger to the thought of him being one; recalling the sweet memory where both of you lied down in the middle of the field while looking up to the sky; the rays shimmers through the space between your arms holding together in the air.

Discussing about the future together; talking about the furnitures for your dream house, deciding the name of your babies in which both of you promise it will not be a mouthful; and looking forward to a specific place to have the wedding on the altar. It was the most memorable date both of you had two days ago.

Then something struck you; something in front of the screen; in the feeds.

An picture engagement of him and a girl you never seen before; taken, about an hour ago.

Smiling; happily.

Photo Credit: Alexa Sheryl Photography

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Latching On

You move forward; nothing held back; with the determination of ending the journey of loneliness by writing “The End” at the end of the chapter together with someone that you choose.

“Finally, it would end, finally.” as you uttered under your breath with him waiting at the end of altar while you clutching on the beautiful bouquet of purple roses. Step by step as your dad usher you as you walk in through the door earlier with everyone stand and looks at you mesmerizingly.

“Speak now or forever hold your peace.” preached the Father as you look deep into his eyes and suddenly it hits you.

The date.

It is not yours to begin with. It is not his to begin with. It is not with him you want to spend your time entirely with.

It hits you. His smile, his laugh, his eyes, the way he look at you, the voice of him when he sang to you, his warm touch when he hold you tight, his patience when you cursed at him and he assured you that he stay; no matter what.

It is him; all this while; it is him.

Not the person who standing right next to you; but him.

This date; that you chose; was his birthday. His date; not yours. This ceremony should not exist to begin with. It should be him and you; together celebrating his birthday with a Lang Leav : The Universe of Us poetry to end it with.

It is him; all this while; it is him.

Not the person who standing right next to you; but him.

Suddenly, while immersing in the thoughts; all eyes including the person in front of you focusing on you.

Why are all of them looking at you that way? Did you did something? Did the thought slip through? Are they waiting for me?

And you clutched on the bouquet tighter; your eyes starts to fill with tears; it ends here and the memories has startled you to begin with.

“Yes, I do”.

Photo Credit : Alexa Sheryl Photography

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Scare of the Past

It’s 4:30 a.m and I’m scared; not because I’m afraid of ghosts or demons or anything of that sort; but because of you. You scare me because you’re the sweetest, most loveliest person I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting.

It terrifies me how much your inner beauty perfectly reflects what your baby blue eyes see in the mirror every morning and vis versa because that makes it impossible for me to simply stop myself from adoring you the way I have been for a little over a year now.

You’re everything that I want but you’re also everything that I can’t have…and that’s what scares me the most.

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Wonders of Pain

I think I’ve finally gotten a taste of how it feels like to be in your position. After a whole year of confusion, the tables have turned and now I’m the one who’s heart is in a complete mess. You shattered me into tiny little fragments and I’ve been trying my best to piece myself back together. My feelings are scattered everywhere and in the midst of all this mess, I still have no idea where to put all the love I was so willing to give you.

To this day, I still wonder if you actually realise how badly you hurt me. We don’t talk anymore so I have no clue if you do or not. I’m not even sure if you’ve learnt a single thing from your mistakes; but I know ‘I’ sure have learnt a thing or two.

I’ve learnt to avoid causing any pain towards the ones that I decide to let in while I try to figure out myself all over again, the person I was before I met you. And I’ve also learnt to never act on how I feel unless I know that am in a complete certain that the choices I make won’t lead to any consequences that will negatively affect myself or anyone else.

You ruined me and for that, I thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to be cautious; not only with my own heart but with the hearts of all the people I will open up to as well.

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Breaking Point

I’m currently in the process of deleting all the gross corny as fuck messages you sent to me throughout 2015. I’m done with dwelling on something that was never real from the beginning.

You brainwashed me into believing that you were someone worth missing but you’re not. I gave you my all while you gave me nothing but heartache. You’re a horrible person and i am glad that you are out of my life.

It’s the first day of 2016 and i am cleansing myself of any remnants of you. I’m not going to let you have this hold on me anymore. I deserve so much more than all the confusion and bullshit you put me through last summer. I'm doing so much better without you. goodbye and good riddance.