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Vinosity

“One thing lead to another” is the right proverb to describe it. Memories that keeps on popping in front of our mind, refusing to go away in the midst of the night does really push a person to the cliff in order to make it disappear.

A person used to be our addiction. How his voice were the music of our thoughts, how his scent used to be our favourite perfume, how his sight became our favourite view and how his warmth being our heater; those were the addictions that needs time to dissolve; that needs time to disappear.

Yet we can’t move on from the addiction and started to explore anew. Remember how one’s said loving someone does not deteriorate you but instead nourishing from within?

Now the nourishment has become an unwanted poison in our body and starts to necrotize our soul. Hence, instead of waiting ourselves to be degraded by it day by day, lets make it quick by putting external wildfire so we could not remember the cause in the first place. 

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Turning Back Time

What could make us to end in like this during our young heart period? Can’t it wait till both of us are a bit older and mature so we can think through it carefully; thus creating a mutual agreement on the result that we would achieve?

My emotion and my mind I still mourning to the decision that we have made yet there is no turning back because each of us has move on with life. Perhaps the past is still there but it never allow us to revisit them; the lock and the key are not fit to each of one anymore.

Are our emotions really fade? Are we ready to face each other again when we bump into each other in the future or only the silence that will walk through our barrier? I am not worry; I am just delusional because the uncertainty that might happen to me; on the deep black pitch in which I am ready to jump if I am no longer in your memory.

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In the Words of Tyra

Dear you,

I know this is going no where. I'm scared of saying this. I’m scared of a lot of things. I know act like I’m not but i can't help to scold you at times you tell me about scary things. I’m scared of drowning and falling and crashing to the ground. I’m scared of being swallowed whole. I’m scared of forgetting.

So when this burns out and falls apart, I promise not to forget the way you mumble my name in your sleep if you promise not to forget the way my lips tasted on your skin when I kissed your cheeks that night in the middle of summer.

You fell in love with few girls before me. You’re going to fall in love with a lot more after me. I don’t mind when you steal all the blanket, but the girl you meet in a coffee shop, the one who bites the life out of you and writes bad poetry will. Try to remember to keep her warm. You make me burn. Wipe her tears when she cries and don’t listen to her when she tells you she hates you. She doesn’t mean it. I never mean it. Baby you’re so absentminded.  Someday you’re not going to want me around to remind you, so please try not to forget all your appointments.

Try not to forget that I loved you. Try not to forget that I love you.

You can call me when you feel yourself falling apart. Even after you break my heart you can call me. I know one night it’s going to rain too hard and I'm going to dial your number and talk you and you’re not going to talk to me back. And I'm going to look at you and you’re going to look away. And then you’re going to whisper that you don’t think you love me anymore. But I promise not to delete your number. I promise to put you back together.

I think you should not smoke. I hope the next girl who falls in love with you will love you so hard that the smoke dissolves from your lungs and maybe you won’t need your Marlboros anymore. I’m really sorry that I wasn’t enough to stop you from lighting yourself on fire. I know that you get sad late at night. Especially when you can’t focus on things very well.

Don’t forget about that little spot in the park we went; the place where we walk up together and kind of walked faster because we’re not really supposed to be there, and we find ourselves on the little ledge overlooking the place. I always feel okay there. I hope you do too.

I hope you still listen to all the songs I played for you years from now. I hope you don’t forget the way we used to dance to random songs or the way we would hum along to the mainstream songs on play. I hope that you smile and think of me when you hear them. I hope you smile I know you hate breakfast but please do. It’s good for you. Don’t throw away the letters I wrote you last time. I know that after this ends, they won’t matter anymore. Maybe for a little while, reading them will hurt. But eventually, my words won’t mean anything. You won’t even be able to hear my voice whispering the words dotting the pages in your head. Don’t throw them away okay?

Don’t throw me away.

When you’re out shopping, I hope you still see things and think of me. I hope I will still cross your mind sometimes. I hope you miss me a little. Even when we’re both over it all and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I hope you still remember how happy we were. How happy we are now. We’re so fucking in love.

We won’t always be.

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Recuperating

 

It is no the same as yesterday. There is nothing change; only what she had experienced has really redefine her dreams and hope. Nothing can be much the same when you have been pushed from the edge of the cliff and ended up being the one to blame for stepping your feet towards the ledge.

This is not a one night recovery. There is months of remedy. These are the blisters and pain one need to endure for each day, tirelessly going through a day with it. The blue sky would make it worse as there no cloud that could protect her on a beautiful day. There will be no nice dress that could cheer her up and no amounts of chocolates would make her smile.

She is in a deep lost…..terribly doing harm to her soul albeit her body trying to be normal but spiritually, she is deteriorating. This feeling she is experiencing; wish for a Dementor to give her a kiss. Let her be, let her see, let her free but it would not end it sadly. A kiss that she wish will be a dream one would swish.

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Unbounded Trench

It has been for over two months that he is being cold towards her but she demise it thinking to herself that he is in a struggle to complete his final semester. Quite often, he asked to have a “time-off” but she permitted it saying “Wait for me till I get home. We will sit down and talk about this okay?” as she seeks assurance from him.

If is easier said than done as both of them are two continents away; in which insecurities have it chances protruding through the tampered-proof heart. Neither a call or a text has been replied for more than a week and the last conversation that had over the phone has been half a moon ago which lasted less than five seconds. Just a sentence; that is all it took before he put down the phone.

“I’m tired and has a long day. We’ll talk tomorrow alright?”. No good night wishes, no “I love you” symphony to her ears. None. Something is really wrong here but  she whoosh the thought straight under the rug before it started to accumulated her mind that has been fed by her notes as her finals start in few days time.

*****

Right before she stepped into  the hall; with her stationaries clutching on the other hand, a text from her cousin has been received. Frowned and curious, she read it.

“Go READ your timeline!”

She stood….and a thread from her heart snapped instantly. She is in disbelief, emotions crumpling her mind that fiercely eating up all the space she suppose to be use to dance the point of a pen to a piece of paper.

“How could he? How could he? How could HE!?” her heart screamed while turning off the phone and put in inside of her front jeans pocket. The image of what she just saw….it keeps on playing in a loop; congratulations text from his friends upon his new relationship.

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Fade of Colours

Sunshine reaches me every morning; protruding into my room through the gap of the curtains. The ray was on my face as I was about to cover myself with the sheets. Guess it is the nature call for me to wake up starting by putting both of my leg on the floor. After I am done with bath and choose my wardrobe for today, I put on my shoes and walk to get myself a cup of coffee from my favourite deli.

I looked up and the cloudy weather seems to get dark in the far east; a sign of the rain that would pour down to the earth without giving a greet. Immediately, my hand grab the umbrella beside the door and walk swiftly to the gate. The creaking sound it made does irritate me but it was my fault whom always forget to buy the oil to be put on the joints. A mental note to self for the day one might say.

No more voice of yours to wake me up in the morning; that has been replaced by the sunray. No more the smell of morning breakfast; that I have to get or to make it myself. No more reminder from you every time I leave the house; that I have to depend on my sole memory. Things has changes to a way that I do not want to be apart of it no more.

Page 187 of 365

Stepping Outside The Door

We have a dream; a dream to be engage with one another and pursuing to marriage. A dream that you and I would never to let go from the back of our mind. Albeit distance conjure us to be apart; spiritually we are deeply attached with one another; as our day would not be complete without texting, call or exchanging pictures with one another.

A vow that we made that means whatever may happens; we would stick with one another and supporting each other through any obstacles that would exist to obviate this one precious dream. I tried my best to keep us alive; the relationship, the hope, the love, the passion, the affection and most importantly; you.

Say what I did wrong, say what we lost, say which part I lack, say how did we never see it coming; say all those words without any sugary coat to make it does not come from you; but me. I might not be the best and I might not be the type but one thing that I’m sure of that I want to be your last; and this, being your last, it is still and it will be as what it is; forever.

Page 123 of 365

Suicidal

Usually our mind would put the worst scenarios at the back of our mind because for us, in any types of situation, we would not put throw it as one of our card. The same thing goes in order to get a solution; the dark thoughts would be bury it deep at the bottom of the mind’s grave.

Some people would dismiss it but when they confront a situation where the the last card will be throw onto the table. The grave would be empty because the mind has dug out the worst option which initially was not suppose to be there on the first place.

Thus a knife being place on a wrist, a person stand on a ledge of a canyon, overdose of pills and lot of ways to end a life being written on a piece of old parchment. An option that was not suppose to exist become the only choice that they have; which the path they choose to end their existence.

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Wondering Up To The Sky

Sky is the limit. That is the sentence people keep on telling you so you would not lose a hope or an expectation. Sometimes, we asked ourselves whether the sky is truly the limit or there are more beyond the Columbus cloud.

Definitely each person cater for unique limitation and even though they try to break the barrier, they could not make it. It is not because they are weak but because they do not recognize their own limitation on the first place which caused most of them fall into pieces that would consume an amount of time for them to rebuild themselves.

One thoughts will teach others but one may dismiss because one think one is superior than the other. Put away the thoughts and you will be great. Do not give up and ready for the future disruption that might happen.

Page 47 of 365

Rétrospectivement

 

Looking back, there are some few things that you might fix, does not want to know at all or things that you initiated but have the regret of doing it later on.

There might be actions that you did for example falling the wrong person or giving up on someone that you suddenly realized without them, your life is incomplete.

Damage has been done. Fixing it either made it worse or ending it up with a happy ending. But going through all that, someone have the be the one that will be hurt. Someone that have to bear the pain. Someone who thinks upon all the things that they did is for nothing.

The question is who will be that “someone”. For sure, you will try with all your might to do not be that “someone”.

Page 23 of 365

Psyche

It totally caught you off guard. It makes you tremble from the inside and at anytime, at any moment painful tears would made their way out. In another partition of thought, you were right after all; the distance, the silence, the eagerness; it all made sense now. For the entire period, you have been lied by the person whom you love the most, whom you give your heart and trust to.

Enough of being lied to but knowing it all from a third person makes you feel that you are not worthy to be told the truth. Hence, it answers all this time upon why he keeps on tabbing on your mistakes; without any deep discussion; threatening to end the relationship but you tried your best to prevent it by keeping on being a hot head to dismiss the issue every time it is being brought up.

He asked you why you keep on mentioning his guilt as what has happened, has happened. The reason is because he could not face his own guilt without actually facing you at the same time. There is no apology, no closure and no deep explanation; he just left living you in a situation where you keep on chasing, believing it is reversible where as he smile and laugh without any remorse.

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Pandemonium of Melee

As she walks swiftly along the park, her mind is in worry. For the past few days, he did not called nor picking up the phone. She tries to comfort herself by thinking perhaps he is busy with his new job that made him landed on the bed by the time he reaches home.

Yet, with fifty seven calls that either ended up in his voicemail and on his screen notification; only once he replied to her call and the conversation barely last a moment. She misses him so much; too much that she drowned in the deep longing pit.

Inside, she is deteriorating but she is still keep on fighting. All the words that he said; about he is done with the relationship; really causing her heart to bleed and each second that passes by, the pain grows. But she believe that the relationship can be save.

She begged him to stay as she is trying to rectify herself; being better for him but he keep on ignoring her believing that she will not be. Alas, he was right. It was only one mistake and he throw piles of guilt to her. She seeks for forgiveness as she is just an ordinary girl who will make mistake. A mistake that she had done without her realizing it and he says he is done.

No more sign of her existence in his book but she knows that he is not entirely leaving her because she still can feel his presence in her heart…in her mind. As she keep on trying to prove him that she is trying to be better, trying to be a better partner for him but she worries that mistake would happen again; thus costing her loosing him for good.

He does still care, he does still love and he do but he would not show it as he would feel afraid that she will take him just for granted. Deep down inside, he does not leave as he will keep on watching her from afar. He loves her and he will keep on stay but he needs her to prove that she is worth it to have him and by looking upon her effort, it will be decide solely by himself.

As for her, she does not want him to leave. She just wanted him to be there right beside her, grasping her hands saying that everything will be fine; and it will.

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Pensée Profonde

There is a say, “A relationship consist of two lovers and other people who want to see it end”. It fills with nowadays truth as a relationship is mostly about people’s perception. If they do not like the relationship or even the girlfriend or the boyfriend; they would make a whisper from the other side; encouraging one of them to pull the plug.

That is where deep thought put into place; one connected to the heart and another line to the mind. Initially, ask yourself upon the reason why you are in a relationship in the first place? Is it because of chemistry? Is it because of you are lonely? Is it because you are touched of their effort wanting to be with you?

These are among of questions that should running through your mind but choose only one. Not two, not three; because it will jumble up your thoughts, sending your heart to a complicated dilemma.

Ironically, when you are actually making a decision yourself, some people see this as an opportunity and most of this people live within your social circle who loath seeing you with your partner and prefer you to end up to a person up to their choice; not yours.

Those are the people who keep on telling you that your partner is not the one, that they only fooling around with your feelings and telling bad qualities of the person whom you love, whom you care. And what would you do when that happens? Just stand there and do nothing? No, you stood up for your lover and telling them that it is about your relationship and the relationship is solely yours, not them.

Consequences when you let their words to your thought could affect your heart greatly; it kills….it kills the feeling you have to the person whom you love. From there, you will forget why you are with them on the first place, upon the reason you want to stay, diluting the chemistry between both of you and it will lead to a irreversible decision, thus might lead to a greater suffer not just to you but your partner as well.

And when it happens, those people whom dislike the relationship will clap their hand as sign of victory while both of you slowly dying in a pain full of longings towards each other.

Ending this, do stay with your partner despite the challenges by feelings, people around you and the fright thought of loosing. Communicate, understand each other and do not ever leave; no matter what. If you do that, if you commit to your partner, happiness will be waiting at the end of the road.

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These Are The Words

Narrowing to the gallows of loneliness, “Did you deter to come here on choice or force” one asked.

“No, not by choice nor force. My crying steps can’t think at this moment. It’s the rush of blood which told my body to keep on walking; slowly and gently; so the earth would not be hurt by the harsh thump” as young girl who’s heart is covered with scars attempt to jump into the dark hole…and the story end.

During the initial of the relationship, both are trying to learn and understand each other. Whether to realize that she is spoilt, dependable and keeps track of everything that resolves around or he who is still learning to be dedicated, focus upon the relationship and spend his entire time to listen everything that she says without any argue. Unfortunately, she could not handle long distance relationship. Thus, she had to let go. He: was devastated but decided to moving on with the row of pains.

In the second comeback, in fear upon that she would be afraid due to the distance; he called every fort day everyday; early morning, afternoon, late evening and a midnight call; in order to give her the assurance that he is there, beside her until she feel the non-existence of distance. Clearly, a modicum of loneliness will clutter and before she knows it, another guy knocked her heart and left the first who were struggling with few papers that ripping out his soul but yet, he survived. Being left again, he walks to the shimmering lights in the sky praying to be with her again; and this time for eternity.

When the third chapter was closing so no heartbreak would deteriorate any living being, he told her perhaps fate roaming around them to be with other people and makes them better for each other in the future. Before they knew it, again both of them fell into a deep affection but this time he play safe; he only keep the relationship in real social life; telling it to close friends and real people but for her, she wants the whole world to know as she believe sharing happiness with others is essential.

Clash of thoughts and loneliness covertly seeps into her mind by believing she is not be treat quite right create a chance for another guy to step in; whom she hide from the one who is facing excruciating endurance for his success in the future. Never once he cheat upon her; never; but she believe he is so. Hence, when her superior told her about disapproval towards him, she waited until he is over with his gruesome test to tell him about the news.

Despite the resistance of temptation, a news hovering her ear telling that he is currently cheating upon her where as he is not made her jump off to the end of the line. He listened with all hearts broken and shatter; the disapproval, the adultery; after all that he had given and sacrifice; she left.

He told her that he will wait even it takes another century while she oppose that this is the last. A beautiful relationship is not a myth to him. It does exist and in order for that to appear; mistakes, tears, heartbreaks, shatters and being hurt is the process to go through. Never he will stop hoping nor hate her in any way, that she, will be in his arms, eternally.

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Seconds of Waiting

I believe people do change; despite the strong impression, personality and the characters conveyed; they eventually will change at one point, at one moment in their life. Whether it is grievances, sadness or mirth; it cause an entire effects towards a person.

In a relationship, swarthy occurs that slices the heart into two pieces is a norm in commitment. Throughout the complexion, deeper conversation and communication helps by untangling roots which nibble the earth thoroughly. But sometimes, surmising can create a damage beyond repair and putting it much into context, it complicate itself much more.

Suddenly, the escape door open and without any second thought; carried by your odium; go through the drawers of your lover’s heart and mind, retrieving any possibilities of memories, thoughts and walk out never to be heard again.

When you decide to do so; remember that flaunt action will cost dearly. There by that door, your love will wait for you not matter how long it would take. They prefer to miss another opportunity over other person because they believe another chance will come by; and it is your blunder whom causing it on the first place.

Page 57 of 366

Crying

There would be a point in someone’s life that they could not bear all the things that being jumbled inside their chest.

They want to express it by words but sadly, there is no word which could describe and helping them to show what they want to convey. Only one option and it is the most effective way to do; cry.

Bursting our tears could help to ease all the burden, frustration, sadness or emotional burden that causing you into a fragile state. Ego aside, crying is the first thing that every human in this world did, so don’t be ashamed to do so.

Each of yours tears is priceless, so don’t let it fall down to the ground; collect it into a bile and by using the Pensive, you’ll know what is the real cause and try with all your might to fix it.

If it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to cry again.

Bliss of A Kiss That I Miss

It has been days that I haven’t seen you around. I reach out for my phone to read your morning text; the first thing that I do every time I wake up.

“No new text messages”.

Thus, I would throw the phone gently to my side and having a nice warm shower before I go out and start my day. As I was putting my shirt on, I heard a beep from my phone; hurriedly pulling down the shirt, I jump to my bed and it bounce causing the phone flying into the mid air but astoundingly, I quickly grasp and able to wrapped around my fingers to it just in time.

“Taylor, I know you’re missing your love dearly much. If you want company, I’ll go to your place and we’ll talk, alright?” a text from Rory fading the enthusiastic smile from my face.

As I walk down to the streets, I reminiscing our memory every time we would walk to school together. There, at that small bushes three houses away from mine, you would hide and tried scare me off every morning. Even though you don’t surprise me anymore because you keep doing it every day, I’ll be eager to wait you to jump out from the bushes and keep on saying that you surprised me although you knew that I did not.

Then it happen.

The morning kiss; the kiss that I’ve been waited since the last kiss in the previous day. You kiss me softly on the lips as our hand held each other and end it with a deep stare in each other eyes while our nose touches.

I open my eyes, realizing that I’m still at the sidewalk with my bicycle at my side, peeping behind the bushes hoping you are there but you’re not. As I strode along, I remember that you would hold my hand on the other side of the bike and starting our silly morning talk.

I smile to myself as I remember every words that you said that made me smile and deep I my heart, every beat, with every breath that I took, with all my might, it whispers “I love you, very much….until death torn us apart”.

Until death torn us apart…….

Here I arrived, upon your grave my love. Tears start to drop from my eyes….I know that you don’t want to see me cry but I can’t help it, baby. I miss you…I really miss you…..I do. I sob so hard…until I couldn’t catch and inhale my breath.

Why do you have to leave before me, baby? Just because you pushed me away from that truck, does not mean that it you have to die for me.

Now who would give me a morning text every day? Who would wait me patiently behind those bushes?

And who would give me those blissful kiss other than your lips?

If you would live for another day, even for a minute, I would kiss you softly and gently on the lips and hoping that it would be us to be put on rest; together.