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Wonders of Pain

I think I’ve finally gotten a taste of how it feels like to be in your position. After a whole year of confusion, the tables have turned and now I’m the one who’s heart is in a complete mess. You shattered me into tiny little fragments and I’ve been trying my best to piece myself back together. My feelings are scattered everywhere and in the midst of all this mess, I still have no idea where to put all the love I was so willing to give you.

To this day, I still wonder if you actually realise how badly you hurt me. We don’t talk anymore so I have no clue if you do or not. I’m not even sure if you’ve learnt a single thing from your mistakes; but I know ‘I’ sure have learnt a thing or two.

I’ve learnt to avoid causing any pain towards the ones that I decide to let in while I try to figure out myself all over again, the person I was before I met you. And I’ve also learnt to never act on how I feel unless I know that am in a complete certain that the choices I make won’t lead to any consequences that will negatively affect myself or anyone else.

You ruined me and for that, I thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to be cautious; not only with my own heart but with the hearts of all the people I will open up to as well.

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The Girl With The Balloons

Broken heart should remain as broken. It does not need to be mend. It does not need to be reshape. It should stay scattered. It should stay in pieces. It should be remaining as memory in one’s mind.

Yet, many people offered themselves to fix what one can’t fix; and once it consumed all of their might, they left without a proper good bye and it should be left as it is.

In the world with possibilities, there is no promises for her to same as before. The only thing she could do is to let the light coming through her iris and let the visual to do the talking.

She is tired. She is frustrated. She is almost put out of hope. No man could provide the emotion that she has been longing. No man could let her guard down. No man should make her feel less than what she is now.

Chances comes in many looks; and sometimes it comes in assurance. When one come to learn, to understand, to be with, to spend time with, to explore with, to kiss with, to cuddle with, to talk with, to laugh with; it will be a never ending possibilities.

To love with.

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Turning Back Time

What could make us to end in like this during our young heart period? Can’t it wait till both of us are a bit older and mature so we can think through it carefully; thus creating a mutual agreement on the result that we would achieve?

My emotion and my mind I still mourning to the decision that we have made yet there is no turning back because each of us has move on with life. Perhaps the past is still there but it never allow us to revisit them; the lock and the key are not fit to each of one anymore.

Are our emotions really fade? Are we ready to face each other again when we bump into each other in the future or only the silence that will walk through our barrier? I am not worry; I am just delusional because the uncertainty that might happen to me; on the deep black pitch in which I am ready to jump if I am no longer in your memory.

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Pluviophile

“Rain rain, go away. Come again another day” as little kids whom building a sand castle right at the beach muttered when she saw a big dark cloud accumulating at the sea side.

Minutes later, everyone running to the nearest shelter; whether to their car, dash to the nearest store or underneath the shack’s umbrella; not one single person who wants to have a contact with the most purest scene of earth. Each of the person within the vicinity hoping the rain would not ruin their day of enjoying their favourite past time with their family, friends nor love ones.

In the woods, a girl clamoring underneath the trees as her bare foot feet stepping to the mushy ground and her laugh fills the air. As she close her eyes and feel the chill of each drop of rain hitting her face, she wish it would stay and last. Nor she wants it to go away, nor she would let the cloud to leave; dancing in the pile and laughing all the way is her most favourite past time; as she believe the rain is there to say hello and intend not to let it away.

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Caught of Guard

Steps are meant to be taken since our mind layout the pattern for us to move forward, aside or backward as it is an impulse being delivered from the brain to the motor muscle; provided us to not to stumble or to fall down because we already know to a degree of certainty that our action is in our own control definitely.

We like to plan and we love to strategize; going out with friends this coming weekend, baking brownies in the evening or even walk to the park in the morning all accumulate to one thing that we subconsciously put in our mind; preparation. To go to the beach, we prepare the body lotion, a beach ball and nice pair of bikini to show off our figure. Preparation is essential so that we look at our best and others would see us more than our friends and families sees us.

Yet, actions that might put ourselves out of control from the situation will create a tension to the inner-self as we do not prepare of things to do, say or prepare. We lose our pride in believing everything can be done perfectly but all of it has been ruined by the sudden action that we might not see it coming. We do no like it. We hate it. We despise it.

No longer entertain nor looking back to the people who made us to look and act like fools; let it be our future half or friends; a lesson must be given. A goodbye is just to good to be given. Leaving without a word; that is what should be given.

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Mankind of Thirty First

How often two individuals shares something that is very personal to them meet? Whether sharing a favourite in local restaurant, sharing the same interest about a particular subject or even share the same horoscope; it is the among of the rare thing that could happen to one’s life. Either one was born on the thirtieth May and another on the first of June; these trait of similarities only happens when they meet each other.

We move, we travel, we strides, we walk, we run and we shift; but one need to think the period it takes for the special person to appear in the live of the other. Twenty years as a yard stick, time would pass without us knowing it yet we tend to forget the significant other whether he or she was born earlier or later; one still need to do the waiting.

To be able to meet the significant other that shares the common trait is a privilege but to keep them around needs effort. It has to be shown, it has to be devour, it has to be handed carefully especially when you realize a future could be create between two bridge pole. Keeping it as forever and letting them knowing that you are indeed intend to stay.

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Sleepless Night

There it was, the darkness fills in the space with shimmering stars and moonlight. The sound of the chirping birds has been replaced by the sound of the late night owl calling its longing to the moon; the origin its kind. As the night cloud covering the moon, so has the sound of the owl; as the thing that it wanted has been taken away.

And there is me; lying on my bed, covering myself with the couverture; gazing out my window looking upon the stars. As I heard the grandfather clock in the living chimes three times, I know it is late yet my eyes decided to have its own time fascinating to the night sky.

There it was, a shooting star. I was excited, I was thrilled and inside me filled up with joy. It took me around five seconds for my mind reminding itself to make a wish. So I clutched both of my hand and put it o my chest as I close my eyes; wishing about you, for you and being with you; pure silence surrounds me. 

And when I finally open up my eyes, there was no more night, no more starts, no more moonlight and no owl. All has been replaced by the view of the sun rising and the birds chirping welcoming the day. It is one night that I felt short in time.

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Conjugation

Could we perish love? Could we destroy affection? Could we distract the Cupid from aiming its arrow? Could we simply vanish the feeling we have about someone we care about? Could we push the people whom care us the most? Could we?

Under certain circumstances, we could but we can only accomplish that when our heart has been disastrously destroyed by them; not a single piece of fragments left that we could pick up and keep in the memory box. None. The justification has its every single right to not be wept away.

But for some who thinks that things would be better when they think they are capable of omitting the “could”; they are totally wrong in a way that they are actually blinded by the omission  that they are experience. Things will be worst because what they are actually doing is running away and hiding from the reality.

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Blurred Lines

Pacing along the isle between the bookshelves in the library; there he was, leaning against the third deck; reading Norwegien Wood by Haruki Murakami. 

“Excuse me?” trying to awaken his surrounding state. He did not look away from that page 65.  So I made out a cough just to get his attention. No reaction, not even a flinch.

“Excuse ME?” as my I raised my voice. He finally look up following with “do-you-know-it-is-rude-to-interrupt-people-who-is-reading” look.

“Yes?” as he partially closed the book with his thumb between the pages as a bookmark.

“I noticed that the book that you are currently clutching is the the only copy that is available. The other copies has been borrowed and it will take about 2 weeks for the earliest copy to be return. So could you please hand out that book to me to I could borrow it?”

He hesitated. As he looked down to the floor, suddenly his eyes widen; an indicator of “I got it!” expression. He pulled out a Starbucks receipt from his back pocket and wrote something onto it; in which the receipt has lost in the oceans of pages afterwards.

“Here you are.” as he handed the book to me. Before I said my thanks, he swiftly walked opposite me and to the exit he went. Being a bit confused by his actions, I go to the check-out counter and headed out.

As I was browsing the pages, it flicked to the 65th page and there it was; the receipt. Under the Starbucks logo, there was a note and a phone number written by him that creates a thin line of smile from me when I read it.

“When you reaches the 65th page, call me. Let’s read the rest of the page together.”.

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Strokes

There nothing much more disturbing for an artist other than having a blank blind. Emptiness in her mind is the most destructible part that could turn her existence into an oblivion. An empty canvas is the representation of her thoughts, her will, her imagination and the portrayal of her soul.

Inspire her and she would create a world where all if the content are the reflection of you. A stroke from a brush, a stroke from a pencil and a stroke from the paint to the canvas is an infinite masterpiece. It is like giving a writer a pen and she wonders in her own world writing page by page. The sensation that could not be stop by any existing force.

After a very intense process and days of mild excruciate to one’s thoughts, seeing her smile to her work is one of the best thing one could see. Hence, we will appreciate the painting much more than we previously intend to; a painting that would define her when she is with you.

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Misinterpretation

Words may give out different meaning. Actions might create a wrong impression. Manoeuvres might be wrongly interpreted. Things is life is not as clear when you nod to someone as to say “Thank you”. Non-verbal act sometimes create and boggling our mind with things that we want to to hear, that we want to see and things that we want to feel.

Once, there was a guy who said that he would wait for the woman; the lover of his life; to finish with her study abroad and patiently he waited for years for her to come back. Upon her return, she was surprised that he is still there in front of her yard. Sadly, she returned alongside a baby she held tight in her arms and a man who greeted him; mistakenly addressed him as the gardener.

So what went wrong? He was clear to her when he said that he would wait but in the end, years of waiting ended with a terrible despair which one could not imagine. But to her, she defines his words as a comfort; something that she think that could make her feel calm when she have to go afar and leave everything behind.

Indeed, how wrong of her to think so.

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Fade of Colours

Sunshine reaches me every morning; protruding into my room through the gap of the curtains. The ray was on my face as I was about to cover myself with the sheets. Guess it is the nature call for me to wake up starting by putting both of my leg on the floor. After I am done with bath and choose my wardrobe for today, I put on my shoes and walk to get myself a cup of coffee from my favourite deli.

I looked up and the cloudy weather seems to get dark in the far east; a sign of the rain that would pour down to the earth without giving a greet. Immediately, my hand grab the umbrella beside the door and walk swiftly to the gate. The creaking sound it made does irritate me but it was my fault whom always forget to buy the oil to be put on the joints. A mental note to self for the day one might say.

No more voice of yours to wake me up in the morning; that has been replaced by the sunray. No more the smell of morning breakfast; that I have to get or to make it myself. No more reminder from you every time I leave the house; that I have to depend on my sole memory. Things has changes to a way that I do not want to be apart of it no more.

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Line and Stripes of Waiting

The behemoth of time we spend it as a fool; hoping and wishing for something that we want but lacking of  effort to pursue it. Often, we read novels and romantic movie about a person wants to end up with the person of their dream but in reality is not written. It is made a fate by the Heaven long before we were born in this world.

We regularly hope every time that shooting star that we catch it glimpse in the night, we make a wish of something that is nearly impossible to happen because your faith is only walking alone without the effort to go along with it. We never realize it because we are so busy living a life that is almost an equal to a lie.

Wait as long as you want. Patience might not be a virtue. All those things would not happen without giving out any effort and due to that; things might end up otherwise. Hence, despair and frustration will be your best friends once it will never appear.

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Vernacular

We hum. We mumble. We speak. We scream. We sob. Even though they come in different interpretation of emotion but it is suffice to say that it is our own language that is not being understood by others. Only you and I could understand it well; an the entire universe would not decrypt on what we encrypt.

We enjoy our small life limited by our spoken language; each every bits of romance and flirting; creates the vibe of not letting anyone know about it, about us and about our passion to be expose to public. Out there, there would be a destroyer who would try their best to learn and study about us.

Let the fire crackle, let the wind swift, let the sky be bright and let the world to be full with life as it will occupy to those who wants to interrupt us. It seems we are better being left alone, being better to be with each other and getting better day by day as we utter these words to each other, “I love you”.

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Wishing of the Flowers

“Beautiful things are meant to be seen. As soon you touch it, the beauty fades away with it” said a philosopher. His fellow disciples interpreted his taught as by not letting a beautiful creature able to influence them in which would lead them to a dark path no point of return.

Hence, for centuries these naive beautiful creation has been tortured physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as the ordinaries lowering their nature lower than animals. Dense drops of tears, echoes of screams and bath of bloods has been leaking through the earth’s roof and its ground.

And when it all dies and died; as only ugliness and only obliteration that live permanently throughout the world; then those fallen bohemians awaken from their slumber and realize what they had did wrong. It is not about eliminating the beauties.

No. Instead it is about spreading the beauties to each creature in the land so no one would be afraid and threaten no more. A peace and unity under the one shimmering light; but it is already too late. They has arrived at the dark place no point of return.

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Another Shoe That Fits

A beautiful relationship. An unforgettable lover. A caring partner. A passionate other half. These are the qualities a person seek and expect in a bond with the person you dedicate your feelings, affection and care about.

As time passes; the way your partner treated you will eventually degrade or maintain and being keep up to be better. Underneath these sheath, there are two possibilities; possibilities that will push you to make a choice whether to stay or to leave.

For a person who experience their first ever relationship, they would devour dedication unlike being seen before because they believe putting much for their first relationship would create a turnaround that made other potentials to churn and go away. So much wrong upon their belief as heart, soul and feelings are one. Each cannot be withdrawn for the fatal of attraction. Could much they invest into the relationship, the stronger the expectation will  be.

But as saying goes “When there is expectation, there would be disappointment” as our partner would not have the same equivalent effort and investment by the act of reciprocation. There, one would think, “The first relationship is where you put in everything since there is no other linkage of the past that teaches me how much enough is enough”.

The first layer is the possibility when the way your partner treat you is not same as before; and what we want to justify here is their pre-emptive to win your heart and get your attention. Gradually, after succeeded to win your heart, the effort will be not seen no more. Bland, tasteless and blunt relationship will occur and the only reason why it is still exist because the one who experienced it never want to do something about it.

The second layer is a relationship upon where two partners just do things that both; individually would think suit; and never bother the other. In other words, when both are together, the love is in the air but when separated; no attention, no calls, no text; nill. Deep inside, they still do care for each other but having the opportunity to meet other person who would tremble the feeling inside would never be seen as a threat. “Just a crush” they might say but their attention have shifted.

Taking the first and second layer together; it fuse. Thus, when another person steps in unconditionally and contact made; the person felt that they might have meet the right person all along but something stops them from running to the person; the current relationship.

The person who stepped in confessed they like you and utter dilemma begin. From the first point, you want to be loyal but that not the case. It is because you do not want to be the person who shall be blame which create a dent to the frame. The happiness has been shredded piece by piece; they might have a lot of it left but till to a certain period, it will run out.

Loyalty is an important element in a relationship apart from communication. But loyalty does not lie in faith to a person and stick with them through thick and thin but it also lie towards your partner treatment. Loyalty in treatment mean from day one till now, there is no subtraction of effort; either it is maintain or more but never be less. Loyalty is a sensitive thing that might cause you to turn heel; that made you have a bad reputation in front of the people who talks much about you.

As for the person who stepped in, you knew and you realized that they are the answer you have been looking for all this while. Your significant. Your last. Your future. But as the chain of current and the past still gripping you hard on the ankle made you feel helpless. In a point, you do not want to be look as the bad person but at the same time, you know there is a limit upon the length a person could wait as you yourself does not want to miss the chance to be happy.

In the end, a call has been made either to be happy with the current or being happy with the future that will be your last;  the one who slides in the ring through your finger, a person whom you devote as they do the same and growing old with.

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Before You Shut Your Eyes

Before you shut your eyes, here lies a hope of a man hoping to clutch the girl’s heart that he adore. All he need is the words of “I do” utter from her and the world would be his. Like the sound of silence calling, he could hear her voice and thus he lost in a dream.

Before you shut your eyes, he wonder what could it be that comes over him that times that he cannot move, that he hardly breathe; that is the moment when she says she loves him. When she with him, he feel flying in a moment between the time; frozen in it; never wanting it to end.

Before you shut your eyes, there is only her in his life the only thing that is right. For his first love to the girl in the same faculty as his, all he want is to share all his love with her; no one else would do. And her yes, it tells him how much she cares. Thus, being his endless love.

Before you shut your eyes, there are two hearts that beat as one shows that their life has just begun. Forever he wants to hold her close in his arms, as she never to resist her charms. She meant the world to him as he knows that he found in her, his ultimate love.

Before you shut your eyes, must be reminded that he would lost without you and he can’t help himself how does it feel to know he loves you much. He would listen to the whisper of the wind and the whisper of his heart playing a melody dedicated to her.

Before you shut your eyes, he understand that she is learning to trust him and blooming the aura of affection within herself that would make her ready to say “I am ready. I do. I am with you and being yours; solely yours.”.

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Reflection

As an individual, we do not have the right to give out the reflection of ourselves since the duty of perception is belong to the person who often interact, communicate and spend our time with.

We disclose to each other and embracing each other’s vulnerability without the thought of using it against them. The degree level of acceptance is more than a Wallflower; it is about having and nurturing their existence as part of you.

The acceptance and the willingness to be with each other even during the darkest moment cannot be measure by empirical proof but it is depend upon how you have the faith and believe in the relationship itself. A bond that never will be broken; even by the passes of period and time. 

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Unreachable Horizon

Some people say if you deliver your best and invest all your time’s worth that you will achieve your end goal. Perhaps one can disagree because by giving all you have; time, energy and passion; in the end of they day, there is nothing in your possession.

We can be heroes just for one day; but remaining to be ordinary for the rest of time. As we give everything that we had to our partner, slowly but gently, they will rip us emotionally and leaving us in a deep misery. Senseless and dying waiting for death, we finally have to learn to let go.

Alas, the plan change but the goal of life still remain as it is. Our body is a temple but ruptured terribly. Hence, it is our responsibility to rebuild everything that has been destroyed entirely but reminding ourselves to make it stronger than before because if such thing would occur again, it would not take the toll of ourselves entirely.

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Thinking

There will be times where you need to think your next step after done doing something so it would make you occupied and does not make your mind to think something which is really hurtful indeed.

As we try to think, our mind will divert itself from the path and before we know it, we will be at a lost road where dead trees with fallen yellow leaves on the ground.

Then we pull it back to the start as we afraid it will wonder deeper to the memories of pain and it will gruesome indeed just thinking about the effect that it will do to us. We tied it and would release it once it obey our desire.